Dating
Advice: Love Shouldn't Hurt
by:
Terry
Hernon MacDonald
"Because when pain has
been intertwined with love
and closeness, it's very
difficult to believe that
love and closeness can be
experienced without pain."
-Gloria Steinem, "Revolution
from Within."
If you tend to attract
men who disappoint you (by
cheating on you, not showing
up when they say they will,
or just refusing to get off
the couch), you may be
confusing love with pain.
So many of us have been
brought up to believe that
pain is normal, even
expected, in a love
relationship. Without it,
the relationship seems flat,
boring. We crave drama. (Why
is it that so many women
have great sex after a fight
with a significant other?)
A happy, loving
relationship eludes us
because we don't recognize
it when we see it, or
because we simply believe
it's not possible (News
Flash: According to a recent
Today Show, all men lie. All
of them! I wasn't aware that
men have a monopoly on lying
or other bad behavior. I
know some women who are
breathtaking liars. Don't
you?).
According to the media,
men are incapable of
remembering birthdays, being
monogamous, getting through
a weekend unless they're
transfixed before a marathon
of football games. Women
internalize these messages:
That's the way men are.
That's the way life is. Get
over it.
And while the media is
happy to sell us the myth of
the unattainable happy
relationship, some of us
have come to believe in it
because of our own
experiences.
Some of us:
(a) Had parents who
treated each other
indifferently, (b) had
parents who outright hated
each other, (c) had fathers
who ignored us as children,
(d) had a parent who
suffered from alcoholism,
(e) had mothers who would
rather have been doing
something else, or (f) had a
parent who suffered from a
mental illness.
And so, we learned to
associate love with pain.
It's all we knew.
Others among us grew up
in perfectly happy homes
with parents who loved each
other and delighted in us,
but we still managed to:
(a) Internalize negative
messages we heard from our
friends' parents who were
unhappily married, or
(b) Internalize negative
messages we saw elsewhere (I
know a woman who, during her
impressionable teenage
years, babysat for a couple
who gave each other the
silent treatment and
expected her to relay
messages. She also babysat
for another family, where
the father once came home
early and started reading a
porn magazine!).
As a result of this
programming, we set low bars
for the behavior we'll
accept from boyfriends or
husbands. Hey, it's better
than being alone, right?
Wrong.
If you're putting up with
substandard behavior from
men, make decision to stop.
Refuse to date anybody until
you attract a man who makes
your happiness a priority.
Trust me; such a man will
come into your life and stay
there.
Treat him as you have
come to expect him to treat
you, which means with
affection, respect, and
consideration. Does this
sound boring to you? If it
does, please examine your
feelings about relationships
and see if they haven't
determined the kind of men
you attract.
You see, once you stop
dating men who disappoint
you but excite you, you can
make room for a guy who
loves you the way you
deserve to be loved--and who
excites you. Love and
excitement are important,
but if they're accompanied
by pain, something's wrong.
You'll never be truly happy
with a guy who lets you
down.
Ask yourself, "Where did
I ever get the idea that
love has to hurt?"
Give yourself time to
come up with the answers.
Take stock of whether your
relationship is worth
saving. If you speak up,
will it make a difference?
If not, are you willing to
make room for a man who will
love you and make you laugh
instead of cry for a change?
"Because when pain has
been intertwined with love
and closeness, it's very
difficult to believe that
love and closeness can be
experienced without pain."
-Gloria Steinem, "Revolution
from Within."
If you tend to attract
men who disappoint you (by
cheating on you, not showing
up when they say they will,
or just refusing to get off
the couch), you may be
confusing love with pain.
So many of us have been
brought up to believe that
pain is normal, even
expected, in a love
relationship. Without it,
the relationship seems flat,
boring. We crave drama. (Why
is it that so many women
have great sex after a fight
with a significant other?)
A happy, loving
relationship eludes us
because we don't recognize
it when we see it, or
because we simply believe
it's not possible (News
Flash: According to a recent
Today Show, all men lie. All
of them! I wasn't aware that
men have a monopoly on lying
or other bad behavior. I
know some women who are
breathtaking liars. Don't
you?).
According to the media,
men are incapable of
remembering birthdays, being
monogamous, getting through
a weekend unless they're
transfixed before a marathon
of football games. Women
internalize these messages:
That's the way men are.
That's the way life is. Get
over it.
And while the media is
happy to sell us the myth of
the unattainable happy
relationship, some of us
have come to believe in it
because of our own
experiences.
Some of us:
(a) Had parents who
treated each other
indifferently, (b) had
parents who outright hated
each other, (c) had fathers
who ignored us as children,
(d) had a parent who
suffered from alcoholism,
(e) had mothers who would
rather have been doing
something else, or (f) had a
parent who suffered from a
mental illness.
And so, we learned to
associate love with pain.
It's all we knew.
Others among us grew up
in perfectly happy homes
with parents who loved each
other and delighted in us,
but we still managed to:
(a) Internalize negative
messages we heard from our
friends' parents who were
unhappily married, or
(b) Internalize negative
messages we saw elsewhere (I
know a woman who, during her
impressionable teenage
years, babysat for a couple
who gave each other the
silent treatment and
expected her to relay
messages. She also babysat
for another family, where
the father once came home
early and started reading a
porn magazine!).
As a result of this
programming, we set low bars
for the behavior we'll
accept from boyfriends or
husbands. Hey, it's better
than being alone, right?
Wrong.
If you're putting up with
substandard behavior from
men, make decision to stop.
Refuse to date anybody until
you attract a man who makes
your happiness a priority.
Trust me; such a man will
come into your life and stay
there.
Treat him as you have
come to expect him to treat
you, which means with
affection, respect, and
consideration. Does this
sound boring to you? If it
does, please examine your
feelings about relationships
and see if they haven't
determined the kind of men
you attract.
You see, once you stop
dating men who disappoint
you but excite you, you can
make room for a guy who
loves you the way you
deserve to be loved--and who
excites you. Love and
excitement are important,
but if they're accompanied
by pain, something's wrong.
You'll never be truly happy
with a guy who lets you
down.
Ask yourself, "Where did
I ever get the idea that
love has to hurt?"
Give yourself time to
come up with the answers.
Take stock of whether your
relationship is worth
saving. If you speak up,
will it make a difference?
If not, are you willing to
make room for a man who will
love you and make you laugh
instead of cry for a change?
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